


50 Ways To Stay

by xuhei



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, IS SAD MAN, Mostly Fluff, Read at Your Own Risk, husband au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 09:38:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11597952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuhei/pseuds/xuhei
Summary: “Even if I knew all of this was going to happen, I would still do this all over again. My life would have been nothing without you.”“Even with all the heartache I’m going to cause you?”“I’d take a lifetime worth of pain just to spend a day with you. An hour. Anything.”





	50 Ways To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> this is really sad. like really sad. please dont read if you want to read something nice. please. save yourself now. I still think about this like 2 years later

Yuta’s hands are snug in his pockets as he looks over to you. He’s biting his tongue so he doesn’t speak and ruin this moment for anyone; especially his cousin who tried so hard to get him here.

He’d simply been admiring you from across the room before he was dragged to you by _said_ cousin and forced into speaking. Yuta wasn’t as good as he should have been with his words. He opts to stay quiet as the man beside him speaks.

“Yuta here works in finance. But he’s always wanted to be a singer, trust me. He loves to dance and sing, even rap sometimes.”

“Is that true, Yuta?” You ask softly. The voice he hears is sent directly from heaven and makes him sigh in relief. The way his name is spoken from your lips causes his muscles to freeze.

So he simply nods and rubs his thighs through the material of his trousers, hands still in his pockets. He’s too shy to speak and it never worked to his advantage. No one ever gave him the chance to come out of his shell.

“Maybe you can sing to me sometime?” You ask.

Yuta _wants_ to say yes. His lips are aching and tongue is restless to just say one word that his brain won’t command.

“He’s also really awkward around new people,” his cousin says, gesturing to how Yuta’s bottom lip is sticking out a little and he’s still so quiet. “Ever since he was a kid he hasn’t liked to speak if someone wasn’t his friend. But I’m sure he’ll sing to you if ever you did become friends.”

“If that’s the case then please, take my number.”

You’re so much more confident than him and it strikes him in a way that makes his insides burn. Everything about him is different to you, and that intrigues him. Yuta likes texting people so if he takes your number he’ll text you as soon as he leaves.

He takes it, and when your hands brush, his mind is electrified and he’s shaking from the feeling. It tells him to speak, and speak he does. A voice so quiet you might have missed it if you weren’t paying such close attention to him.

“Nice to meet you, (y/n),” Yuta says softly. He thinks of what he can do and his first instinct is to do what those older family members of his do.

One kiss to your cheek, one neither you or his cousin were expecting. Your skin is so soft and Yuta wishes that he would have used some of the lip balm his parents always sent to him as part of a set for his birthday.

It’s a contrast. His dried and cracked lips against your velvet and smooth skin. It’s your relationship in a nutshell, not that he knows; the two of you have just met and he’s already kissed your cheek. Another may not have liked this.

But you did, and the way your lips begin to curl in the corners makes his heart beat so quickly that his words almost become nothing.

“Nice to meet you too, Yuta.”

キッス

Whilst Yuta is a little shocked he managed to bring you out here to have a date, he’s gotten through it. A day with just you two accompanying one another and he managed to speak with you as though he had known you for years.

Did he believe in soulmates? Perhaps if he could find someone that he’d like call his soulmate, he’d believe in the idea. It was so effortless being around you, so easy to speak and tell you everything he wanted to. Perhaps you were his soulmate.

“I had a really nice time tonight,” you tell him, looking over from the side of the bench you’d claimed as your own. Yuta watches as you turn from him and back to the lake you’re sitting before. “I wish I could be with you all the time. It’s like you’re my…”

“Soulmate?” Yuta asks.

You hum, looking back to him with a smile. “Soulmate, that’s what I was thinking of. I’d like it if you were my soulmate, Yuta.”

“I never really did believe in soulmates,” Yuta admits, “I always thought they were conjured by writers to make us believe a couple that had no attraction to each other could still work out. But I’d like if you were my soulmate, though.”

“We’d have to stay together forever, if we were soulmates, Yuta.”

He shrugs. “I can see us together forever. Being with you makes me happier than I think you know. It’s like you were made for me to stay with you. Be with you, I guess.”

“But we haven’t even kissed yet,” you state, more as a reminder to him. Six dates now and he’s yet to have placed his lips over yours and seal the deal he’s been creating.

“A kiss isn’t needed for someone to know they _like_ someone,” Yuta answers. He realises after that his words are tangled and are too forward for his own liking. “I mean… Kissing isn’t the most important thing for me. Emotions are.”

You nod a few times, eyes sinking down to the ground. A moment passes before you look up to Yuta, eyes fixed on his and gleaming in the light. “But can I kiss you anyway?”

Yuta barely nods, but your hand is on his chest and the other on his cheek as you place your lips on his own. A hint of strawberries, maybe cream too, and he knows by then that he’s hooked. He wants to feel this over and over in his life.

A kiss meant nothing to him, but feeling how your lips mould against his own and the sweetest of love songs play in his head, he knows now that this kiss is an added extra.

A kiss for you is a way to stay.

And as you shyly move away, hands covering your cheeks, the timid look in your eyes and gapped but still smiling lips are etched into Yuta’s mind. “I want that to be the first of many, Yuta.”

“It will be the first of an infinity.”

キッス

“What’s wrong, Yuta?”

He has reverted back to his old self for the remainder of the night, ever since he knocked on your door and saw your face. So pretty. Like bone china that was crafted from the hands of a skilled artist, painted with arts that the Italians desired.

Perfection personified, if he may be one to judge.

“Yuta, please,” you beg him this time. He’s not speaking and you’re the only one in the room he would actually speak to anyway, but he just _can’t_. He might say something wrong. “Is it… have I done something wrong?”

“No!”

You seem fazed by his answer. An absent look creeps over you. “Then what is it? You’re not yourself tonight.”

“I’m nervous.”

“How comes?”

Yuta takes a deep breath, one he’s been trained by you to do in the case he loses his voice and isn’t able to grace the masses with it. “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to mess up.”

“What is it?” You continue to question. Your hand is grasping his own and he can feel by the way your pulse gets faster beneath his fingers that you’re just as nervous as he. “Yuta, please tell me. You won’t mess it up.”

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

He said it so quickly that you may have misheard it. He looks down to the ground and then back to you, swallowing delicately as his throats goes dry. Why aren’t you reacting? Why aren’t you saying anything?

As you’re so still, Yuta’s heart falls into a pattern he fears for. It’s so fast, how quickly he’s fallen for you and how much he’s counting on you to say yes. But there’s still no answer.

Just a touch of your fingertips to his face, across his cheek and up to his forehead so you can move his hair from his forehead. So his eyes are clear to you, he tells himself, so you get your answer across loud and clear.

But no words leave your lips, only one kiss that’s for him and only him. A soft touch that he’ll treasure forever, one that made him feel like you two are the only people left on earth.

A kiss with you was his own version of forever, and Yuta didn’t mind one bit.

“Of course I’ll be your girlfriend.”

Yuta’s lips are pulled into a smile and he can feel the blush creeping over his cheeks. He nods once. Then again. The situation is sinking in fully. “You’re my girlfriend. Wow. I never thought I’d actually say that.”

“We’re soulmates, aren’t we? Why wouldn’t I say yes?”

That question crawls into Yuta’s mind a lot. Maybe he feared being the cause of your broken heart, or leaving you alone. He fears it all, especially with you.

キッス

“So all I’m saying is that it was really annoying to see two people act so close despite talking so much shit about each other! If you hate each other, why do you always say _I hate them_ to me!”

“Yuta…”

“And I get it. People are super annoying. But why aren’t you honest if you’re _that_ annoyed with someone? If they pissed you off, then tell them, so the two of you can sort it out and you can leave me out of it. It’s not too much to ask, is it?”

“…I suppose.”

“And also, why are you acting like a megabitch if you’re just gonna be super nice the next day? That’s seriously so irritating, especially when I’m standing right with you the whole time you’re complaining. It’s so annoying!”

“Yuta.”

“Maybe I’m just overreacting but it seriously grinds my gears so much. Honesty is great and I’d love for people to all just be honest so they get along much better. That’s good for everyone, isn’t it!”

“ _Yuta_.”

“But being in the middle of this all is just infuriating. I’m going to snitch on them both and cause something so they both never speak to me again and I—”

Yuta’s words are silenced as you press your lips to his own, hushing his rage. Silence him it does, the boy not opting to speak as he melts into his chair and realises you’ve been calling him for the past however long.

“I get it, you don’t like them.”

Yuta rolls his eyes. “Was that my cue to shut up then?”

キッス

"Are you coming to bed?"

Yuta listens to your call from the bathroom and pops his head out with a tooth brush between his teeth. He doesn't answer, opting to point at the brush so you know he's busy even if not for too long.

He's spent nights with you many, many times before but he was always so nervous. Each time you'd sleep in his arms it electrified him and he still wasn't sure if that was anywhere near normal for a couple. Maybe it was and he was just overreacting, but who knew?

Sometimes you'd just sit together and watch music videos, or he'd try to teach you a few Japanese sentences that you can use from time to time. There would always be something for the two of you to do and it scared him that he never got bored.

It was normal for that too, right?

Because usually he got bored very easily. He'd find problems with everything and complain to you about things like a new xbox game that was out, or his songs becoming too bland for him. So not talking with you was unnatural, and that kept him from getting bored.

Even as he steps out the bathroom and gives you that goodnight kiss as he slips into the bed next to you and strategically gets you into his arms, something he's done so many times now, it all feels so new to him. Like he's never done it before.

So he asks the question he always asks himself before sleeping, but now he says it out loud. "What did I do to deserve you?"

And you whisper back to him, "you were you, Yuta.”

 

He didn't expect it, but your words settle and leave him a little happier as he tries to drift off to sleep. You love him because he's himself, and that's the least he could have asked for.

A nightly routine that was so emotionally different but physically similar may not have been something everyone experienced, but he's happy that he's able to experience it for himself.

キッス

Yuta notices the way you’re looking over at the other side of the room with fear. You’re positively shaken and he knows it. Even without his connection to you on so many levels, he’d know you were uncomfortable.

So he reaches his hand across the table and caresses yours with the softest touch. “Is everything okay?”

“That’s my ex,” you state, words clear as day. “We broke up a few months ago. I didn’t think that he would… it didn’t end well.”

Yuta hums, refusing himself the pleasure of finding out what happened in your relationship because that’s rude, he tells himself. That is the past. He is your future.

“I thought he moved away. Now I don’t know what to do. He made me feel so…”

“Don’t think about it,” Yuta says. He squeezes your hand in his own and pouts his lips in a way he knows you love so much. “Show him that you don’t care about him anymore. You have me, right?”

You laugh, nodding along. “I do, I have you. You’re all I need.”

“You never fail to make me blush.”

Yuta presses the back of his free hand to his cheeks, feeling the heated skin that’s only warm due to your words as usual. He also watches as you turn away from him shyly and look to the same place as before.

The man, whoever he is, is looking back over to you and Yuta with a glare in his eyes. There’s a figure opposite to him that Yuta never really picks up on, instead opting to turn your attention back to him.

“Kiss me.”

“Sorry?”

“Kiss me,” Yuta repeats a little louder. He’s gotten used to just telling you to kiss him when he’s feeling as though he misses the way you feel over him. This time is no different. “It will make him feel—”

Wordsmith Yuta is silence by your lips again. He just feels your tongue glide over his lips as your hand trails through his hair to hold him against your for longer. You’re savouring the feeling, just like him.

Another kiss that’s left him speechless as you sit back down in the chair opposite to him and take a deep breath. “Was that what you were thinking?”

“Exactly what I was thinking,” he answers.

He can’t help but glance over to the man from before who now won’t pay attention to the two of you like before. It’s at some point during his protective attachment to you that he realises he’s got feelings he can’t explain, and they’re just for you.

He’s in love.

キッス

Yuta is sitting alone on the couch when he feels a pair of hands go over his eyes. His first instinct is fear but hearing a soft giggle settles his nerves and he’s able to realise this is anything but fearful.

“Good morning to you, too.”

It was the first time you’ve stayed with him overnight and Yuta realises how early he actually woke up compared to most other people he knew. He watches you sleep for a few minutes before deciding watching breakfast TV would stop him from staring until you woke up (which would make him look like a stalker).

And now here you are, two hours later, surprising him with the gift of your presence that he accepts every time. “How come you’re already up?”

“Turns out I have a very short sleep-wake cycle,” Yuta tells you. He pries your fingers from his face and instead pulls you forward so your head is beside his own. “You, on the other hand, have a far longer one.”

“I just like to get eight hours sleep, you do not.”

Yuta rolls his eyes at your words, opting to pull you closer to him once more and place a kiss on the side of your lips that’s barely even on target. He still gets a good taste of your strawberry lip balm but there’s a hint of lime, possibly from the one he’d invested in himself.

He could kiss you everyday and it wouldn’t get boring. He hums in satisfaction when he pulls away. “Fine, I’ll sleep for eight hours next time. Only because I missed you this morning.”

“You can’t miss me after two hours, Yuta.”

“But you’re wrong,” Yuta answers. He sends a wink in your direction and brushes his fingers over your cheek. “I didn’t get to hear you speak for… eight hours and about twenty minutes. That’s a long time.”

You roll your eyes at him just like he’d done before and push his hands away. “You’re too cute for the morning. Be grumpy like the rest of us.”

“No can do,” he answers.

“And why is that?”

Yuta shrugs his shoulders and reaches for your hand to try and bring you over to his side of the couch again, wanting you to sit with him. “Because I want to make you smile all the time, and if I’m not happy that won’t happen.”

キッス

"What, are you mad at me?"

Truth is that Yuta is beyond annoyed. He's livid to the point where he wants to slam his hand against a door but he won't treat you like that. He won't show his anger to you and he knows that riles you up just as badly as him.

"Why would I be mad at you?" He asks genuinely, cocking his head to the side as he narrows his eyes. "You haven't done anything."

You take a deep breath and shake your head, pushing your hand against his chest to make sure he's back against the wall. "You know exactly what I've done."

Maybe you're just trying to make him more annoyed so he'll show some aggression. Of course it won't work and you know that for a fact, just like he does. He'll never speak out of tone to you and this is something that becomes even more infuriating each day.

But you still love him. Both of you know that by now.

"You've done nothing, darling."

You almost cry out in frustration, pushing Yuta back against and wrapping your hand around his neck to bring him down to his level so you can kiss him. You practically bite into his bottom lip, coursing for any reaction you can get but nothing comes still. You're so close to wanting to kill him that he can taste it.

Just like the blood you're surely drawing from his lips.

"What are you trying to do to me?" He mumbles, ghosting his lips over your own.

You only shrug your shoulders, keeping your hands locked in his hair to keep him still. "Trying to make you annoyed at me. Is it working?"

Yuta kisses you again and tastes the same metallic blood, a smirk resting on his lips as he pulls away. There's something in his mind that tells him he should give in to your games but he's too prideful and he stands by his word to never get angry at you. So he'll play along a little longer.

"Not even a little."

キッス

“Yuta?”

The faint call of his name barely even drags him out the hell of a hole he’s landed in. He’s just thinking about you and everything about you like he always does, except now he’s done it when he’s right in front of you and he feels kind of bad.

Mostly because he’s been ignoring you this whole time.

“Are you even listening to me?” You ask.

He’d paid some attention, but not much really. He’s been focusing on your lips that appealed way more to him than the other topic. “Yeah, you said that your fave group was releasing a new song.”

“Which group?”

Now maybe he was being a little rude but sometimes Yuta believed you were too good for him. Too beautiful, in fact, and kissing your lips was always on his mind — especially when he was around you.

So he just shrugs his shoulders and decides that being honest is the best way to go. “I can’t remember, I’m sorry.”

“It’s only three letters, why can’t you remember?”

“Do you want me to be honest?” He asks you.

Of course you nod, and it leaves Yuta to thank the stars that you may actually believe him on this.

“I was distracted by you.”

You roll your eyes and push at his chest. “You can’t be distracted by me if you’re talking to me. That doesn’t make sense.”

“I wanted to kiss you,” Yuta admits, “usually when I’m looking at you I start to think about what it’s like to kiss you so today I was thinking how good it would actually be to kiss you.”

A shy blush rises on your cheeks and you beat him to the chase, kissing the corner of his lips. It’s timid, of course, but he likes it nonetheless. “Well, I wanted to kiss you too.”

キッス

“You know I’m sorry, right?”

Yuta pouts as you look the other way in an attempt to ignore him. He’s not sad, he’s trying to overreact so you’ll be fine with him and he can be back to his normal self.

But you don’t act okay with him and you just turn away as he _tries_ to kiss you. He ends up almost falling on you as he loses balance but catches himself before he face-plants your thighs.

“Baby…”

“I’m mad at you,” you state, still not looking him in the eye.

Your statement makes him roll his eyes rather dramatically. “You’re mad at me? Like I didn’t already know that.”

“Can you just go?” You continue, pushing at his chest so he’ll just walk away from you and you can go back to sitting in silence. “Come on, I want to sit in silence.”

“Accept my apology and I’ll go.”

You’re silent once more and Yuta has some slight suspicions as to why. You just shake your head, turning away from him and facing the ground. “I don’t have to accept it.”

“Why not?” Yuta asks.

Maybe it’s because you don’t want him to leave, and he’s okay with that. Yuta shrugs his shoulders and attempts a kiss for you again, this time actually making the kiss happen and not falling flat on his face.

You don’t budge though, and instead of trying to argue with Yuta you sit there and stare. “I’m not accepting your apology.”

“Bye then!” Yuta jokes, standing up so he can walk away from you only to be pulled back down so he can’t leave.

キッス

“I don’t want you to leave.”

Yuta is used to mornings with you now.

He gets up a lot later and he doesn't have to worry about waking you up because you've both adjusted to a morning routine that suits you both. That means waking up at around eight am now and staying in bed until nine to talk about... whatever.

"Morning," you mumble gently, pressing your face into his chest that you'd been using as a pillow for the past seven or so hours. "Is it really early?"

Yuta looks over to the clock and notes the time as he runs his fingers idly through your hair. "It's just gone eight. Sleep well?"

"With you, I always sleep well," you assure him.

It's no lie, really. The two of you in the same bed,  assured ultimate protection makes you believe that everything is safe. Although Yuta will never admit it, when you’re by his side, he feels safe too. Like anything is achievable and his life is completed. But that’s a different story.

So he just hums at your words and presses his lips to your forehead, freezing for a moment as he feels your warmth against his own cold skin. "I could say the same about you."

"Mornings with you are better than anything, Yuta," you tell him with a smile, looking up for you can see his face in the morning light. "Cliché but... where have you been all of my life?"

Yuta shrugs his shoulders as a hearty chuckle leaves his throat. "I guess that I've been waiting for you this whole time."

He hopes that the two of you will be like this for the rest of your own forever, since it's so calm and peaceful compared to everything else in both of your lives. It may not happen but he can hope for the best, and his constantly optimistic attitude hopefully won't let him down now.

キッス

“Baby, are you drunk?”

Your overly enthusiastic shake of your head answers Yuta’s questions perfectly. It isn’t like you always go out with your friends so he’s expected something like this. He really doesn’t mind, he thinks  it’s a bit funny, actually.

“Did you know something?” You tell him, reaching for his arm as he leads you back to the car. “I’m in love with this guy.”

He stares for a moment, eyes wide. He feels like he’s back when he first met you and he was completely starstruck by you. Unless you meant… him? It could be possible that you’re _that_ drunk that you forget who he is.

 

Yuta can’t help but laugh at your words. “You’re in love with him?”

“Yes. He’s amazing. He does everything for me and he’s always there for me. Sometimes he makes me breakfast and sometimes he cuddles with me for ages in bed. I love him. He’s so nice.”

“Who is it?”

You look up to Yuta with wide eyes and shake your head. “Why would I tell you?”

“I’m just curious,” Yuta answers with innocence.

“Fine.” You pull Yuta to a stop in the middle of the street so you can reach up to him and whisper in his ear. “His name is Yuta. He’s my boyfriend.”

Yuta nods at your words, a grin finding its way onto his face. “Yuta, you say?”

“I wonder if he loves me too.”

“I think he does,” Yuta tells you. He reaches for your hand so he can pull you towards the car again, wanting to get you home since he’s sure it’s going to rain.

“You think so?” You ask in awe. You don’t stop him this time and instead follow him submissively. “How do you know?”

Yuta shrugs but turns back to you anyway. He pulls you close to his chest, wrapping his arms around you so he can place a kiss on your hairline. He thinks you’re cute, even though you smell so much of alcohol.

“What if I told you I am Yuta?”

キッス

“I bet I can make that guy feel uncomfortable.”

Your daring personality usually gets Yuta into a bit of trouble, especially when it comes to being out in public and you wanting to cause a bit of a scene around him.

So he just raises an eyebrow at you and purses his lips. “You can what?”

“Make him feel uncomfortable.”

Yuta realises you’re talking about the man on the corner of the street that’s looking over with a rather deranged look. Yuta’s immediate reaction is to become far more protective of you but he realises the man is scowling because you’re just _kids._

Kids that are very much in love, he may say.

“How are you planning to do it?” Yuta asks with a coy disposition.

“Let me see here…”

Your hand reaches for Yuta’s neck, attempting to bring him down to your level. Another goes around his waist so the two of you are flush together, and then you bring his lips onto your own and kiss him with the fire that’s ignited from your desire to annoy people.

Mixed with your desire for Yuta, it’s a deadly combination. One that he takes very well and enjoys whilst he can.

“Exactly like that,” you tell him, still close enough for your voice to vibrate against his lips and send a shiver down his spine. “Want me to do it again?”

Yuta is _very_ tempted to say yes to you and feel that sensation run through his bones again but he knows that the man, and multiple others, are feeling rather uncomfortable already.

So he shakes his head and places his own hand your waist. “Let’s wait until we get home and everything is much more private?”

キッス

Your hand falls onto a scarf on the side of the shop wall and you drop in straight into Yuta’s arms. Your playful smile meets him and you turn away again, looking for more things to give to him.

Luckily, Yuta doesn’t mind. He’d buy you all he can if he makes you happy for eternity.

“Anything else?” Yuta asks. He’s following you like a lost puppy but still doesn’t complain at all.

Six hours and still no words to moan about.

“Hmm…” you turn to Yuta and cock your head to the side. “Depends, would you like to buy me dinner too?”

Yuta rolls his eyes. “You don’t need to ask me to buy you dinner. I’d do that anyway.”

“Yeah but… do you want to?” You ask again.

“Why should I?”

It’s a playful question again, because Yuta knows exactly why he’d do practically anything for you. He’s so in love that it hurts. He’d feel bad if anyone else felt like he did because it caused so much pain.

To want to dedicate your life to someone is to basically say you’d give yourself up for their happiness.

And he’d do exactly that for you.

“Because…” you take a step towards Yuta and creep to his level, pressing your lips to his own. He feels how you smile as you kiss him and it makes his heart pound, even as you pull away. “I love you.”

Yuta rolls his eyes. He thinks it’s better that stopping in the shop to proclaim his love for you too. “I love you, too. Let’s get dinner.”

キッス

“I want to treat you like my very own princess.”

Yuta eyes you from the other side of the bed. You’re laid across the covers, barely every paying attention to what’s going on around you since you’ve just woken up.

From a nap that started at 5pm, mind you. But that isn’t really an issue with Yuta since he enjoys being able to watch you sleeping so peacefully beside him.

So you rub your eyes, noticing his figure, and raise a brow. “You want to what?”

“Treat you like a princess,” Yuta repeats.

He takes note of your yawn that is absolutely adorable. He’s seen you sleep on his couch before but there is something so nice about today. Maybe it’s how cute you look.

“Why would you want to do that?”

Yuta shrugs as he crawls towards you on the bed. His hand reaches for your own and he pulls you towards him. “Because that’s what you deserve, isn’t it?”

You’re the least bit conceited so he doesn’t expect you to say yes. A shake of your head as you shyly retract your hand is not a surprise, so he holds your hand a little tighter so you can’t pull away.

“Yuta…”

He ignores your pleading and instead pulls your hand towards him, softly pressing his cracked lips to your skin. He should have used lip balm so he can match your delicacy but it’s too late now.

The juxtapositions reminds him of where the two of you stand in the world. He smiles, breathing onto where he’s kissed on your curled fingers. “You’re my princess.”

キッス

“I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Yuta’s returning to Japan to see his family and although he wanted to take you, you decline because of work and other things over the next few days.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t worried though, because anything can happen in those three days and you aren’t willing to risk Yuta.

“I know you’ll be okay, but there’s other things I’m worried about,” you tell him. You rest your head on his chest and sigh. “Like, what if your mother decides that you should stay in Japan? Do you think I’ll do well in Japan? I can’t even speak Japanese!”

Yuta just rolls his eyes. “She won’t make me stay in Japan.”

“She may try to convince you!”

Yuta places two fingers under your chin to raises your head up so he can look you in the eyes. “Want me to tell you the truth?”

“Well, I don’t want you to lie to me,” you answer.

“Then listen to me when I tell you that I will most definitely…” Yuta pauses so he can press his lips against yours for a couple of seconds, probably attracting some unwanted attraction from others at the airport. “…return home on Thursday.”

You sigh again, this time just putting your head back on his chest begrudgingly. “But you’ll call me every night, right?”

“Every morning and every night you’ll get a call from me so you’re sure I’m okay,” Yuta assures you. He moves his hand up and down your arm to _try_ and comfort you but gives up. “Everything will be fine. I’ll come home in one piece and I’ll be very much a live.”

You only hum. “Yeah, you better.”

キッス

“Can I kiss you, Yuta?”

Yuta is barely paying attention, but your words captivate him and he looks over to you with wide eyes as if to question your intentions. You’re smiling, a little suggestively at that, but he’s still enticed.

“Kiss me?”

You nod. “Yeah, I want to kiss you.”

“And why is that?” Yuta asks in return.

He won’t lie, he loves feeling you so close to him and he would happily let you do it, but for you to be so sudden in your decision making when it comes to him.

Yuta feels as though you often decide way in advance how you’re going to act towards him. Every kiss is filled with such passion and emotion that it _has_ to be planned. But it’s not planned, and that’s why it’s so much better to him. He’s always in awe of how everything can feel so good.

“Do you want the whole story?”

Yuta nods.

“Sometimes I just get this overwhelming desire to kiss you and it’s hard to get over. And I was just daydreaming a moment ago about how soft your lips are and how you run your fingers through my hair and it makes me feel so good. So, can I kiss you?”

キッス

Your hand grasps Yuta’s as you try to pull him back into bed. It’s early morning and he has to work, but for some reason you don’t want him to go. Perhaps you’re thinking about him a little too much after last night.

“Do you have to leave, Yuta?”

It’s practically a beg, and Yuta can only groan. “You know I do. I have work.”

“Yeah but… can’t you call in sick or something?”

Yuta would have said yes but he’s done that way too many times now. Last week he’d said the train was delayed so he could wait an extra hour at home and before that, he’d said he had the flu so the two of you could stay at home for a long weekend.

So he definitely wants to say yes, and he considers it for a few moments but remembers his boss might kill him if he does call in sick again. “You know I can’t.”

“I’ll call for you and say you’re in hospital,” you suggest. It’s a basic attempt that won’t work, but it’s worth a shot. “Or I can say you’re so sick that you can’t talk. Then they can’t expect you to be in.”

Yuta shakes his head. “You’ve met my boss. He’d kill me if I dido that.”

“I’ll get someone to fake a doctor’s note?”

It’s an offer he considers for a moment, but realising he needs his job he declines again and has to settle with kissing you for a few seconds and pulling away from you. “You know I can’t.”

“Will you come home early tonight then?” You ask. There’s a particular tone in your voice that makes him shiver. “Please?”

He hums, pretending to have a long think about whether or not he can come home early. He’ll be able to walk out even if someone tells him he shouldn’t. “Only because you asked nicely.”

キッス

He's dazed by you at the best of times.

Yuta reaches for your body that's beside him, chest heaving and body aching. He'd never give you up and every time he's with you he realises this even more. He's so in love that it kills him to think there was once a space between you.

But no more. The two of you are together forever, and he'll make sure of it.

"Yuta," you call, voice gentle beside him.

He turns to the call on his name, humming as his lips gap slightly to draw a new, heavy breath. "Yes, baby?"

"I love you," you tell him. He's sure you mean it as more than just I love you for the things you do for me, but in the moment that's what he thinks. That you're thanking him for what he does. "Yuta, I really love you. Have I told you this?"

You have, many times. Every time you said you loved him was etched in Yuta's brain for the future generations to know. It's a memory worth keeping for all he knows. One day the I love yous will no longer exist.

"You've told me."

"Good, I'll tell you again then."

His breathing is still uneven, his mind is still clouded but he can feel as you pull your body against his own and breathe a sigh of relief into his tense muscles. A relaxant, that's something you may be.

And he leans in to place a kiss on your lips, only resulting in your body falling into his own. You'll stay with him if he kisses you; that's always been his idea.

A kiss filled with lust and gentleness. Desire and unfathomable attraction. Tears and heartache for the person you call the one. Something is so finite about the way he kisses you that it burns him from the inside out.

キッス

Yuta knows how much the end of the year means to you.

Last year your eyes had lit up with all the fireworks and you’d not stopped talking about it for days afterwards. Yuta knows you loved the occasion and although he hates cliches, he _knows_ he has to do this now.

He has to get down on one knee in the middle of the street as the two of you wait for the countdown.

No one’s really paying attention to him. They all have their own fantasies and visions that they want to fulfil and his idea means nothing to them. After all, proposing on New Year’s is so common that barely anyone cares.

And the countdown that sounds around him is preparing him for the rest of his life. A future with or without you. He can only see one with, and he hopes you felt the same.

_Three._

Because he’s not exactly sure he can live the rest of his life with you.

_Two._

Without you there really isn’t Yuta.

_One._

His heart stops as you turn to celebrate with him and meet his eyes. You don’t even speak; no words can do anything for the situation. No justice. Nothing.

You pick up on this too. You drop to your knees in front of him with glassy eyes and rest your hands over his own. His heart is racing, just like yours, he imagines.

He can’t even ask you if you’ll marry him. He can’t say your name because he’s frozen in fear but you press your lips against his and nod. A wordless answer for a wordless question that he would have only been able to choke out.

It will be a future with you.

キッス

“This movie is really boring, huh?”

Yuta catches your attention in the other side of the couch and you seem to be as unenthusiastic as he is. The pair of you had decided to try and watch a movie so the night would go a little quicker but that isn’t making time speed up at all.  

Not that he’s really been watching anyway. All Yuta picked up on is that one of the girls is diabetic and the other is jealous that she is engaged. They may also be sisters, but he isn’t exactly sure.

“Really boring,” you comment, rolling your eyes as you turn to him fully, “I can’t believe we picked such a terrible movie to watch. So much for a lazy night.”

Yuta hums. “We can put something else on?”

“No point now, it’s past nine now and you’ll fall asleep halfway through.”

“But you can still watch it.” Yuta picks up on how you grow closer to him, arms shuffling on the surface of the couch to get you nearer. “I’ll just sleep here tonight. It’s no trouble.”

You completely ignore his words and end up crawling over him so that you’re straddling him. “I can think of better things to do.”

“You can?”

Nodding, you press your lips to Yuta’s for a short moment and chuckle against him as you pull away. “I definitely can.”

キッス

“You’re a really good kisser, Yuta.”

He raises a brow from opposite you, staring you down in confusion. “I’m a what?”

“A really good kisser,” you repeat. There’s a smile on your lips, teeth showing and baring true emotions to Yuta. Honesty was something that always came so easy with you. “I could kiss you for days.”

“Only days?”

Yuta knows it’s an expression but he loves teasing you, so seeing how your lips drop and you pout at him, he’s achieved what he wanted. To tease you like you always tease him. But today he wins.

“Longer than that,” you answer.

“What about infinity?”

You shrug your shoulders and move towards him, pressing your lips on his own and holding onto him with grasping fingertips that crave his feeling.

So although you don’t answer him, Yuta can feel the emotion running through your fingertips and your nerve endings that are so close to his own.

And he kisses you back with passion, making sure you mirror his own feelings.

“I could kiss you for days too,” he whispers against your lips. Honesty comes easy for him too.

“And I could kiss you for an infinity.”

キッス

He hasn’t seen you in a week.

This is what big fights are meant to be like, he tells himself. He holds back the fear in his mind because he craves you so badly that seeing you comes naturally.

A week without you is pure hell.

But he’s nervous as he turns the corner and sees you sitting on your own, coffee in hand awaiting him. A week; it’s a long time in his eyes. Even if he doesn’t really know why. A week can change everything between you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So he just stops. To admire at first, but as he stands so lonely he realises how his heart throbs for you and your presence. The poorly timed jokes and badly placed kisses you give him.

All the things he missed so much.

Maybe his sorry isn’t enough for you and you’ll walk away and leave him. Maybe you’ll say it’s okay and tell him, _Yuta, you mean so much to me._

His maybes are endless, but life isn’t.

So he needs to face his fear of losing you.

“Baby,” he calls softly. He doesn’t get your attention and shock runs through his veins. He shakily reaches a hand to your shoulder. “…Hi.”

And you only look up to him. Eyes bloodshot, hair a mess and skin so lifeless it’s like you had been left in the snow for a while. For too long.

“ _Yuta_.”

He admits he’s a little surprised how you jump up to him, throwing your arms around his neck to show him how much you care. You’ve missed him too, he hopes. You’ve cared as much as he has.

“I’m so sorry,” he tells you without any calmness left in his voice.

You shake your head, fingers tangled in his hair, so you can pull him closer to you, and press your lips to his own. It’s needy, a kiss drawn from the little space you both had left between you. He shakes, body overwhelmed.

“No,” you whisper against his lips, “ _I’m_ so sorry.”

キッス

“There’s a girl over there who keeps looking at you.”

Yuta is usually the one who’s possessive over you. Well, to a degree. He doesn’t like confrontation very much so will let people look and just take it in his stride. He doesn’t like it when people so blatantly ignore his existence and that leads to him having to say something.

But today it’s your turn, and it’s all because you’ve noticed a group of girls across the room that keep looking at Yuta. He’d seen them earlier but ignored them since they were probably just discussing something else.

You felt differently of course. “Yuta, kiss me.”

“What?” Yuta returns, raising a brow. He glances to the group and sees that one of them is very much set on staring at him. But he still had no idea what you’d said. “What did you say?”

“Don’t worry.”

He can hear it in your voice that you’re a little disappointed that you didn’t hear him, but Yuta’s a smart man. He goes over the sorts of things you’d say in this situation and realises something you’d most likely say to him. To kiss you.

 

Yuta doesn’t find any problem with it and reaches across the table to find your lips and cover them with his own. There’s still a hint of strawberry, even though he has no idea where that’s from.

He pulls away afterwards, offering you a smile that’s meant to make you feel a bit better about the situation. Honestly, Yuta finds it a little funny. “Do you think that I’d leave you for her or something?”

You never agree, but you don’t disagree either. You just turn away and look over to the floor on your left hand side. The girl isn’t looking over any more anyway, but it’s clear you were getting a little possessive compared to normal.

“I just wanted her to know you were mine.”  

キッス

Yuta’s pressed by the most important question he thinks he’s ever been asked. It runs over his mind over and over.

“Do you trust me, Yuta?”

Of course he does. He needs not think about that. He could tell you over and over that _yes_ , he trusts you just as much as he possibly can. There are so many reasons why.

He’d trust you with his life if he could and that is okay. Yuta would give you absolutely anything and trust you with it because you two are basically one person at this point.

What’s his is yours and what’s yours is his. That’s how it’s been working this whole time.

So of course he trusts you. It sets off his own questions about whether you’d trust him the same. He fears that his feelings are completely different to his own.

“Of course I trust you,” Yuta tells you. Of course he hesitates but that’s only because he’s thinking about everything. “Do you trust me too?”

This is probably late to have a conversation like this. Trust is what you talk about when you’re just in a relationship but you’re hesitating just as he did.

But you nod, and you reach forward to kiss him gently and wrap your arms around his chest to show your emotion completely. “I trust you too, Yuta.”  

キッス

“You want it?”

Yuta glares at you from across the room. He’s ready to run for you if he’s given the opportunity but he stays still because he’s trying to work out what you’re doing before you can do same for him.

“Come on, it was mine,” Yuta says.

He’s referring to the shirt you’ve got in your hands that you’d snatched from him before he could place it over his arms. He stares it down like a predator, not wanting to chase you.

“But you look better without it,” you answer him, raising an eyebrow. “Come and get it from me if you need it so badly.”

Yuta has a game plan that he can exact. He treads carefully across the ground until he’s a few metres from you, hands held out towards you. “What use is my shirt to you anyway?”

“I just like teasing you.”

 _Well,_ at least you’re honest.

“Then I’ll tease you too.”

Yuta’s version of teasing is not like your own. He’s bigger than you and his arms are far longer so he has a chance to grab for your waist, pulling you into his arms so you can’t escape.

He kisses you, right on the lips, like it was the first time he’d ever done it. It leaves you breathless, and the only reason he can deal with it is because he initiated it. Not that kissing you doesn’t make him soft inside.

In your love drunk haze you let go of the shirt he needed and he can pull it from his grasp, shaking his head as he pulls away from you. “Not so powerful now, are we?”

“That’s unfair!” You protest, trying to reach for him again.

Yuta just shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not unfair when you want something from me.”

Not that he minds when you kiss him for something. He likes it, actually. He thinks your lips are the softest and it’s a blessing to kiss you, so anytime he can do it he will. Even if it’s only to result in you getting something from him.

キッス

Yuta glances down at his watch nervously.

He knows your flight landed about twenty minutes ago and he _knows_ that the baggage collection and whatever takes so long but he misses you so much and he just wants to see you now. So his foot is tapping nervously and he’s breathing in quick succession.

He finds himself getting even more nervous when a group of people start to emerge and he can’t see you in the crowd. His mind runs through the endless possibilities of things that may have happened to you whilst you were out of the country.

Then he sees you, right in the middle of the crowd with everyone around you. He sighs in relief, trying to get closer to the front of families waiting for their loved ones.

He doesn’t think it’s physically possible to miss someone _this_ much.

“Yuta!” you shout, attracting the attention of other people around you for a brief moment. The two of you are almost forgotten in time as you run towards him and wrap your arms around his neck, just allowing him to pick you up and hold you in his arms. “I’ve missed you so, _so_ much.”

Your muffled words are still heard by Yuta and he pulls you back so that he can see your face. He kisses your lips, the tip of your nose, your cheeks and then your lips once again until he’s starting to blush. “I’ve missed you _way_ more.”

“Impossible,” you answer, reaching up again to peck his lips before you lay your head on his shoulder one more time.

Yuta knows it’s not impossible to miss you more than you’ve missed him, he hopes that you can understand that one day. He knows that he can’t live without you in his life now.

キッス

“Sometimes I can’t help but want to kiss you.”

Your eyes appear to light up at Yuta’s comment. The corners of your lips begin to curl up and you reach a hand out for his own so you can pull him towards you.

A kiss of your own is given to him, one that he savours for the moment despite how short and sweet it is. Perhaps it’s the way your grasp onto the tips of his hair with your free hand and pull him towards you.

He’s always been a fan of the little proximity between the two of you that comes when you two are together. A boundary that’s still there but practically nonexistent at this point.

You pulling his hair was a normal thing and he loved it; for him it showed your concupiscence. But sometimes his mind is scattered when it comes to you because he really can’t think straight. Does he even make sense?

“Sometimes I want to kiss you, too,” you admit to him, shyly pushing your hair behind your ears so you can face him. “You can kiss me whenever you want.”

Yuta hums. “Whenever?”

“Even in the dead of night.”

Yuta knows you’ll wake up if he does that, so he may refrain from kissing you then as not to disturb your sleep. He’ll find another time to kiss you and show you how much he loves you.

He’s always thought of a kiss, no matter how quick it may be, is a way of showing love to someone. Like he originally thought, it was a way to stay with someone.

That opinion won’t change.

キッス

“Baby, wake up.”

Yuta _hates_ early mornings after all these months he’s been with you. You’ve converted him into someone who can’t stand the thought of 6am wake up calls or an alarm before 8:30am. All because he liked cuddling you in the mornings and not letting go.

But today, he’s woken up and he can still open his eyes because the room is dark. Not pitch black, but dark enough for him to not have trouble when waking from a tired haze.

“Baby,” you whine a little, pushing at his chest for him to wake up like you’d just said. Yuta can make your figure out just beside him. “Yuta, I told you to get up early today.”

Yuta hums but pulls a pillow over his face regardless. His voice is muffled by the pillow but you still hear it. “I didn’t think you meant this early.”

“Of course I did! It’s your birthday, silly!”

It’s _that_ day. He dreaded it every year because everyone was overly nice to him and treated him like a king. The only person who treated him no differently was you.

But that’s because you always treated him like a king, of course.

“Happy birthday baby,” you say through the pillow. Though you tug it away, Yuta makes no effort to stop you. He lets you take it away so you can see his face and he’s graced with your smile that lights up the room.

You place a kiss on the top of his nose, then on his lips, followed by a few more. He falls into your lull and sighs into your kiss, body practically weightless with your presence.

As you pull away, he sighs in the hopes you’ll return. But he’s just given you voice that still hits him in a luscious way. “I have a surprise for you.”

“What is it?” Yuta asks, minds greedy due to his detest for secrets.

“Something I know you’ve been wanting to do for a while,” you tell him. It helps him in no way, but he nods anyway for you to continue. Judging by the way your eyes sparkle without light, he’ll love it. “We’re going to Japan!”

キッス

Yuta knows his family are pressing you.

He just has to watch as your awkwardly try to make small talk with them and smile your problems away. They’re asking questions from every direction and he knows you’re uncomfortable. But you’re remaining positive. That’s a good thing.

“So you plan to spend your life with Yuta?”

His mother’s question scares both of you. Yuta had thought about it before and he wouldn’t be with you if there wasn’t a foreseeable future with you. He knows what he would say, but not what you would. That scares him. He has no idea what could come from this.

“I do,” you answer, “if he wants to spend it with me too, of course. I love him.”

He knows both of his parents don’t believe a word of anything you say, and he also knows his parents don’t believe what he says either. When he’d tried to tell them he loved you they said he was just imagining it.

Now was no different. His mother narrows his eyes and taps her fingers on the desk. “You love him?”

“More than anything,” you say with a gleaming smile, looking back to Yuta. You mouth the ending of your sentence since you’d thought it may be a little cheesy for anyone. “ _Together forever_.”

His mother still looks like she doesn’t quite believe what you’re saying and is disapproving of this whole thing, but Yuta places an arm around your shoulder and backs you up. “I love her, too.”

And it’s finished with a light peck, one which maybe was too much for the end of dinner but is one that’s meant to secure your love for one another and show that you are both close. That the love is real.

Not that she’ll ever probably believe it. But that opinion wasn’t the most important anyway.

キッス

Yuta is in awe. He can’t stop staring at you even as this officiate keeps talking and reading words that don’t matter to him. You’re the only thing that matters to him, so as he watches you with eyes like a hawk the only thing going through his mind is you.

The dress you’re wearing that looks so good on you. The way your hair makes you look like you’re from a prestigious picture painted by legendary painters. How you stand tall amounts everyone despite your real height.

How he’s still so enthralled by his soulmate to this day.

So the officiate keeps talking and he keeps staring. Eyes are locked with yours, lips mouthing the words he’s dying to say ever since the last time he saw you. Which was last night, since he snuck into your hotel room late at night just so he could say something to you.

Because he loves talking, and when he’s talking to you it’s better than ever.

_I love you, I missed you._

One night apart from you is too much for him these days. Having you in his life means having you forever, never leaving you alone so that his heart can beat normally.

Yes, around you everything is normal. His subtle heart tremors settle and he thinks that it’s because you soothe him.

_I love you too._

You mouth back words that you’re meant to be saying later on. _I do_ was meant to be said first but the officiate calls upon god for this relationship and Yuta still isn’t paying attention.

He says _I do_ first. He says it with pride and he’s sure he can hear people in the crowd saying how cute he is for stuttering and rushing the same thing. He pays no mind to it. He just waits and watches.

Because you say _I do_ too, just like he does. Soft but sweet and full of life that he wants to hear forever. He sighs in relief, the words around him reminding him that this is a reality and you have just married him.

You’re his wife. He can’t think of anything better.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Kiss he does. Like always it hurts his chest and you remind him what it’s like to be so in love with someone that you’d dedicate your life to.

His hand falls to the small of your back, pulling you flush against him as the cheers from your guest, and his own, become louder around the pair of you. They’re cheering for the two of you. For prosperity and happiness in your marriage.

He hopes for it too. But his chest hurts so much around you. He thinks it’s love but his heart, that tells him something else.

キッス

“I’m straddling you.”

Yuta looks up to you with wide eyes. “You’re stating the obvious. What do you want?”

“Yah… pay attention to me.”

As if Yuta didn’t pay _enough_ attention to you already. He’s positively captivated by you and he’s able to admit that now. He can safely say that being enthralled by you is very much true.

“I am,” he tells you. He places a hand on your thigh but it’s quickly removed and you place it above his head, raising a brow. You don’t speak, though. “Hey, what are you doing?”

You shrug, playfully smirking. “Straddling you.”

“But my hands…”

Yuta is only annoyed because this means he can’t touch you and that sucks. For him, at least. Looking is a lot but not enough.

But a dully placed kiss on his lips makes him sigh, revelling in the sensation of you all over him. He breathes into you, struggling to find the strength to move his arms from under your grasp.

He’s weak around you. The shield he has up naturally to protect him is completely gone.

“Still straddling you,” you remind him as you pull away.

Yuta just rolls his eyes. “Still love you.”

キッス

Yuta has you held in his arms and he’s contemplating things.

He needs to tell you something but right now he’s focusing on _you._ How you make him feel so complete. You’re perfect but you don’t even have a clue, and he’s not even sure if he can ever try to describe that perfection.

He just loves you _so_ much. More than anything.

“Are you free tonight?” Yuta asks.

You look up to him with your bottom lip pulled between your teeth and you hum as though you’re thinking. “I may be. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Yuta says. He smiles at you and runs his thumb over your cheek to trace your skin. “You know how much I love you, right?”

Yuta could shout it from the clouds everyday. He’s used to a sensation— _this_ sensation—that he’s not sure he could ever live without it. He’s gone a few days but longer than that may just kill him.

“You know we’re married, don’t you?” You return.

Though you playfully smile there’s a look in your eyes that shows concern, as if you don’t actually believe Yuta’s declaration. So he nods twice and strokes his hand over your hair. “Of course, I was just letting you know.”

“If you say so,” you answer. You reach up to peck his lips and Yuta’s mind goes blank at the feeling. He can’t ruin this. He can’t find an end to all of this. “I love you more than anything, too.”

キッス

“I have something to tell you.”

Yuta’s heart stops at the words that are full of simplicity. He looks up to you, eyes wider than usual as he tries to steady his nerves that cause him to be so out of touch with the world. It’s like he’s back in the situation where he met you and was unable to talk.

“I think…” you stop as you look down across Yuta, bringing your hand to your chin. There’s a hint of mischief on your features that Yuta could have picked up on, if only he’d been paying attention to you and not the possible implications of your words. “that we make a really good couple.”

“What?”

“You and I make a really good couple. I just wanted to tell you.”

Yuta is still frozen with anxiety, his mind flooded with what could have come from your opener. “Yah! I thought you were going to break up with me. Don’t scare me!”

“Why would I break up with you?” You ask him, seriousness creeping into your voice.

“Because…I don’t know. I was just scared.”

You hum at his words, interlocking your fingers with his own and holding his hand close to your heart. He can feel how your heart rate is raised around him, as is his when he’s around you. “I won’t ever break up with you. I promise you.”

And your promise is sealed with a soft kiss, one to his lips but not the the centre. It’s a bit messy if he may comment, and he can only watch as you try to make amends for the poorly placed kiss with another.

This time, your second try, he melts into your arms and becomes enthralled. He’s still frozen, yes, but his actions are so submissive to you that just moving would ruin everything.

“I _promise_ you,” you repeat, lips still ghosting his own and voice vibrating against his skin. “I won’t break any of my promises to you.”

Yuta feels as though his world is lit with the most brilliant of candles and stars you could find. If he could have asked for anything, this would have been it. “I promise you I won’t leave you, either.”

キッス

Yuta’s shy disposition still hasn’t left him. He finds it hard to do normal things, like telling you how much he loves you and how much he cares. Not that he’ll ever admit it. Not that you’ll ever be the one who knows that.

So it’s down to you to make the moves he can’t.

“Baby,” you say softly. It’s not for his attention, because all of that is on you already. It’s more of a call for him to see what he does to you. “Can you do something for me?”

Truthfully you’re only a few feet from Yuta, body placed on the bed like a lion that’s found food. But he doesn’t try to run. He just watches you.

“What do you want me to do?”

Hearing his response makes you laugh. It’s more of an estranged cry for Yuta but he pays no attention to that either. He waits. He watches your darkened eyes with envy.

Why doesn’t he have the ability to do this too?

“Lay down,” you tell him, trailing your gaze over his body that frozen, it seems.

You still crawl towards him, arms and legs in sync as you near him. One hand to his chest to push him down and the other to make sure he can’t touch you either.

One kiss to his lips that’s full of passion and need for his very soul, and another to his neck to personify the desire you feel for him when the two of you are near.

This is common practice now, he knows that. But he loves it regardless. He loves you so much that every time you move and speak it makes him feel completely different to before.

キッス

“Yuta.”

He looks up to you with the most nervous of dispositions. He needed to tell you something was he wasn’t quite sure how to get it out. He nods, smiling.

“I need to tell you something,” you say. A hand creeps over his own and you hold it gently as your voice drops down to a whisper. “And I… I don’t want you to be mad, alright?”

His mind races for what sort of things you could say. He didn’t think you’d cheat on him. Divorce, maybe? Oh god. Nothing was worse that that. “I need to tell you something too.”

“Oh! You go first then,” you tell him, voice like a bird’s chirp on a Sunday morning.

“No, you should go first,” Yuta says. He sends you a sweet smile as he feels his heart rate sky rocket. But that’s not good. The doctors told him that would make him worse. “Mine isn’t important. Tell me, go on.”

You take his other hand, completely disregarding the fact he had something to say. You seem excited. After all these years Yuta knows how to read you and how you’re feeling.

Excitement completely devastated him. It’s so different to how he feels inside that if you can’t seem to come up with something that will change his whole life, he might cry.

You do change his life though, and you cry.

“I’m pregnant.”

“You’re…” he can’t even finish his sentence. He looks up to you with absent eyes. He wasn’t expecting that. He’s still not registered it properly. “…pregnant?”

You nod, eyes brimming with tears that are matching his own. He laughs out loud at what you’ve said, resting his head against your own as he cries away at the position he’s in.

And you kiss him, lips pressed to your own and savouring the moment in an attempt to make Yuta feel better. To show him it’s okay. Of course you’d never know, and a kiss was your selfish way of ignoring what’s happening.

“You’re gonna be a dad, Yuta.”

キッス

“I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

He should have, he knows that. The look in your eyes confirms that very fact, and the way he hurts inside is just a secondary reinforcer. He should have said something. He should have just told you.

“Why didn’t you…” your voice cuts off to barely above a whisper, eyes brimming with tears as you look up to Yuta. A hand creeps to your stomach and your splayed fingers clutch onto your own piece of Yuta. “…you could have just told me. _Yuta_. Why didn’t you tell me.”

“The baby.”

“Don’t you dare use our child as an excuse for this.”

Yuta knows you’re right. It’s selfish. He was just so happy for the news that this had slipped his mind and now he’s here. He’s sitting across from you with the thought in his mind that he can’t stay with you.

That he’ll break his promise.

So he nods, placing a hand over your own. “I know. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t want to…”

He can’t even bring himself to finish his sentence. His dying words are just a breath of what is left to come in his future that’s fading before his very eyes. He stares down to his fingers on yours without saying a word.

But he’s stunned by your arms wrapping around his shoulder as you bury your head in the crook of his neck and take one final deep breath. “How long?”

“Seven months.”

“Seven?” You repeat, pulling away to look up to his face.

All Yuta can do is nod. He feels sick and he hates how you look at him as though he’s fucked this all up. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t want this. All he wants to do is kiss you and tell you everything will be okay but he knows it won’t be.

So he does exactly that, resting his forehead against your own and then brushing his lips over yours. It’s a subtle attempt to make you feel better. It’s his way of staying with you in the moment and making things seem infinite.

But he doesn’t feel you kiss back. For the first time in his version of eternity, you’re lacking a response to him and acting like he does when he’s worried. This may be the first time Yuta has ever seen you display nervous characteristics.

He’ll be the one who stays strong this time. He’ll make sure you’re the one who’s okay.

“We’ll make it through this, I promise,” he tells you. He’s only lying to himself.

キッス

“Can we talk, please?”

You’ve been distant with Yuta. You barely speak to him but he can see you watching him from the other side of the room with wide eyes so fearful of what future is to come.

He just wants you to tell him it will be okay. You can’t; you don’t believe it yourself. But right now he’s so low because of everything that’s happened.

And he should be happy. He’s going to be a dad but that doesn’t really matter, seven months ends before the due date. He’ll never see his child and it breaks his heart.

Maybe not as much as it breaks your own.

“Sure,” you answer.

“If there was something I could do, you know I would,” Yuta tells you. He takes a deep breath and places a hand over your own. “You know that. I begged them to do something but there’s nothing they can do.”

You nod, and as sincere as Yuta may believe it to be he knows you’re doing it so you don’t cause an argument with him. “I know you would.”

“I don’t want this to change _us.”_

“You know it will,” you tell him. It’s the brutal truth he doesn’t want to hear.

You were always honest with him and now was no different. Whereas Yuta saw this as nothing more than an early ending you saw this as a disaster that would rip you two apart. That’s exactly what he didn’t want. He wouldn’t make it harder than it already was.

“Can we not try?” Yuta asks. No, he’s begging. The doctors wouldn’t give him a chance so maybe you would. “We can pretend everything is still okay. Just got until things start to get worse.”

He thinks he’s found your breaking point when you don’t answer, opting to just look at him with those dull and bloodshot eyes for the moment. Then you move towards him, carefully but also with speed, and stop.

Just as you’re a foot away from him, you throw your arms around him and bury your head in his chest like you always used to. He thinks you’re crying but he can’t tell. He’s numb until you reach up and kiss his lips, trying to hold onto the past.

“We can make this work,” you tell him.

He’d said the same thing to you before, but when you said it there was far more certainty. Hope for the future. It’s as though you _want_ to fight for it and won’t give up.

That’s exactly what he needs right now.

キッス

A boundary between the two of you has secretly been established.

You’re being far more careful around Yuta and he’s not sure if he likes it. Maybe you’re scared of hurting him in a way, or perhaps you’re worried that something you used to do will make his life a little shorter than it’s already limited too.

But he tries to make things like they used to be no matter what. It doesn’t always benefit him in the way he wanted.

“Oh my—”

You rush to Yuta’s aide seeing as he winces from your playful push at his shoulder. Your hands check if he’s okay everywhere you can and you try to reach for his wrist to feel for a pulse that’s slowly diminishing.

You’re just on high alert and he has to try and live with it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” he assures you. His breath is gone but he thinks that’s just because he was laughing with you.

“Are you sure?” You continue, feeling for a normal pulse and then checking the rest of him for any signs of life. “Feel normal?”

Yuta can only roll his eyes and pull you towards him, placing his arms around you waist and holding you tight against him. He kisses you with a gentle disposition, trying to steady his breathing so it did seem normal to you.

“I promise you, I’m fine.”

But he’s really not okay. He’s not fine at all. Each day is a bigger challenge but telling you that would ruin the illusion he’s created. Everything is okay.

Your smile soothes him nonetheless, and he knows that for the rest of the night everything will be okay. He just has to act like everything is fine.

キッス

Yuta holds his hand out on the snow covered rail. The flakes fall into hair and it covers his skin that’s already freezing. He takes a deep breath, air filling his lungs like a it’s being pumped in.

“Thank you,” he mumbles. He turns to you and his knees are weak but the rail keeps him steady. He brings one hand to your cheek, smoothing your thumb over your cheek. “Thank you so much.”

You only shake your head, placing your hand over his and bringing his knuckles to your lips. One sweet peck and he feels like he’s cured. “You don’t need to thank me.”

All you’d done is brought him out into the snow. To the rail near the local train station, where you’d come before to escape the real life world. It just meant so much to him, like the world was normal and everything was okay.

Reality isn’t something he’s getting very regularly. He’s on the receiving end of doctors and false hope and more doctors and _more_ false hope.

Yuta, you can live for longer. Yuta, you should try this medication. Yuta, you won’t see your child born but it’s okay, because you may live another week to watch your life burn away. Yuta. Yuta. _Yuta_.  

But he stands here, and he gets to see how beautifully you smile under the stars and moon that is no longer visible. His life lines are leaving. He’s stuck.

“Promise me we’ll come back here.”

You hum. “Of course.”

“And we should bring some food next time.”

But he knows it’s an empty promise. Next time he’s well enough to even leave the house in this weather, it will be in a wheelchair at the least. It’s okay though. He can live with it for you.

So he smiles back, watching as you nod at his idea for a better future, knowing it will never come. That, or you’re lying to yourself. Both are likely, he thinks.

キッス

Yuta falls asleep very easily nowadays, mostly because of his medication but also because he’s generally so tired.

So when he looks over to you and sees your chest rising and and falling in a steady formation, he sighs to himself. Everything is just so calm. He can watch you and not fear that you’ll start to be worried or you’ll be frantically rushing over everything.

It’s all just peaceful.

And Yuta watches for what seems like hours. He’s reminiscing over everything you two have done together and he feels like the two of you are one of those old married couples that tell others about their years together.

Except you’re not old, you just seem to know everything about each other.

But he’ll be facing an ending soon so memories are what he can hold onto. He has been trying his hardest to make sure you can make new memories to keep about him. Not that everything already hasn’t been enough, he just wants there to be things you remember him for.

Your child being one of them. A constant reminder of your life with Yuta so far. He hopes that you’ll never move on but he knows that’s selfish. He can’t expect you to just stay with his memories forever.

Maybe he can set you up with Taeyong? Or even Mark, his younger friend that had an open heart and loved everyone. There’s so many people that he can try to make you happy with. Johnny may even be a match.

All that the silence tells him is that he has to just live with what the future holds. He may be scared but you’re the one facing a future alone.

So he tries to get you into the most comfortable position in his arms and holds his lips against your cheek for a few moments. Just until he feels content that he can keep calm with you.

He doesn’t like his future but he can only live with it.

キッス

“Do you know how much I love you?”

Yuta’s words seem to startle you. You look over to him with a blank face and don’t answer. You’re still in a fragile state of mind from everything and recent scares has you on edge at all times.

Effectively, to you, Yuta is a walking skeleton at this point. It’s like his soul has already left.

“I love you to the moon.”

Yuta tries his best to keep his movements steady, his usually shaking limbs that lack oxygen remaining as still as possible. You still don’t move and just watch him, and lack a breath when he kisses you ever so gently to remove the distance between your souls.

“To the sun.”

Yuta kisses you again, drifting a hand down to your arms that seem colder than usual. Today must be a bad day for you, the complete opposite to him. He grasps your hand for a moment.

“To the next galaxy we can find.”

Yuta’s hands move to your bump as he kisses you again, feeling you steady breathing that becomes hitched with all of his movements. Emotion became scarce so often that he had to force it. He hates that.

“To the end of infinity.”

Yuta’s final kiss comes as one to your forehead, just below your hairline where he neglected to pay attention to so often. He hadn’t kissed you there in years, and it was rather nostalgic. He searches for your smile that never comes, and he tries not to let it get to him because he realises you’ll be the one who suffers more in the end.

“And right back again.”

キッス

“Did you know you smell really nice?”

Yuta looks down to you with wandering eyes, half paying attention to what’s still going on around him but mostly focusing on you now. He only ever concentrated on the important things.

“I what?”

“You smell really nice,” you repeat, reach up to his level so you can place your nose just by his neck and inhale deeply. “New cologne?”

Yuta shrugs his shoulders. “One from ages ago. I found it and thought it would make a difference.”

“It definitely does,” you assure him, finishing your actions with a kiss to his cheek.

This was you trying to act _normal_. Yuta had tried to tell you that was the best thing for him and he’d tried to get you to understand that if you made a big deal out of his problems he’d feel worse in himself.

But he can tell you’re still unsure of what normal actually is. He can feel your lips quivering. “I will definitely wear it from now on when we go out.”

“You should, it makes a change.”

Even the way you talk is so different. Yuta won’t bring it up because things have finally started to settle down and if he ruined the peace it would take a toll on him.

So he smiles at you and nods, feeling his raised heart beat starting to still a little. “If it makes you happy.”

キッス

“Yuta, are you awake?”

His complete whack sleeping pattern means that _yes_ , he’s more awake than he wants to be and he’s sensitive to everything. Even your quiet voice is deafening, it hits him and tears his senses apart.

Maybe this is sleep paralysis. Maybe Yuta is reaching a new level of his illness and this means that the end is coming closer. Can he breathe? He’s unsure if he’s just imagining you leaning over him to check he’s okay.

Because, he’s not okay. He’s really not. He won’t say that to you because he knows you’ll try to help him and nothing _can_ help him, but _dear god_ he is in so much pain right now. He’s baring it all for you now though. He won’t give up because he wants to stay with you for as long as possible.

“Yuta?” you ask again, lips pouted and eyes wide. You brush your thumb over his lips and take a deep breath. “I just want to know you’re okay.”

Yuta swallows hard and tries to nod his head as best as he can. He’s not sure if you can see him but judging by how you don’t move, you haven’t seen it.

“I just want everything to be okay again,” you tell him. It’s a soft and sweet voice he hasn’t heard in so long. It’s the one he started to fall for so long ago.

He reminds himself why he fell for you when you breathe a kiss onto his lips in the pitch black night, droplets of what he assumes are tears falling onto his cheeks as you stay in your position above him.

“I need you Yuta,” you whisper. He barely even heard it but he’s looking at your lips. You glance down and sigh again, but this time it’s in frustration. “We need you.”

キッス

Yuta knows that you’re scared.

He doesn’t need to be a genius to know that the way your hands shake and lips quiver, it all leads to you being absolute terrified for the future. One without him, at that.

“Do you remember when we came here on New Years?” Yuta asks.

You turn to him with wide eyes, barely able to speak. The end is near, you only think this. Seven months are drawing to an end. “Yes. How could I forget?”

“Did you really have no idea I would ask you to marry me?”

A shake of your head confirms Yuta’s suspicions. He had been secretive about the whole thing but he knew you read him like a book. He’s sure if you’d have asked him then he’d have kissed you and said what he was doing.

“I wish I could relive that day,” Yuta admits. He lays an arm around your shoulders to draw you near but notices how you just resist his touch. He says nothing. “You were so happy and I just… it was perfect. Everything was perfect.”

“It’s perfect now, too.”

Yuta wants to disagree. He knows you’ve clouded your reality with the hopes that maybe this was just some kind of _sick_ joke. But if he disagrees he won’t be able to live through today like it was his version of perfect.

The _real_ perfect.

“It is,” he mumbles. He rests the side of his head against your own, so the sides of your body are all touching.

Seeing as you don’t answer, Yuta presses a kiss to your cheek in the softest of manners. He hopes it’s full of enough emotion but he’s unsure.

He can only stare at the sweet spot on your cheek that he has touched, knowing that nothing left is infinite. It’s not forever. There’s an expiration date for everything and he hates it.

But he’ll act like he’s fine for you.

“Everything is always perfect with you.”

キッス

“It’s a girl.”

Yuta’s weak body is barely able to function correctly now. He’s hooked up on a tube that scares him to no end and every breath he takes hurts him. Seven months they said.

Seven months ended last week.

Maybe it was the baby that caused him to hold on, but he’s not sure. He wanted a forever with you and his child but he realised that would never come. Either way, every day he was still here extended his time with you and he could only be thankful. No matter how much pain he was in.

“A girl?” He repeats.

He knows it’s not you standing there. It’s one of the nurses that’s been so nice to him and tried to help him whenever they could. But if he’s getting news he wanted to hear them that was fine.

“Yes,” the nurse tells him, “would you like to see her?”

Yuta nods but he knows the process. First they get him in a wheelchair and then they drag him through this monotone hospital until he’s begging for air because they’re moving too fast.

But today he doesn’t complain and just goes with it. He’s staring at all the hospital doors until he sees the number all the doctors are talking about, and there he sees you inside.

His body is filled with relief, and your fatigue seems to fade when he’s with you. The perfection comes back into both of your lives for a while because there’s a child in your arms. Yours and Yuta’s own child that would be the last remaining part of him on earth.

He somehow gets the strength to reach up to you and kiss you, fingers running over your skin in an attempt to hold onto the moment forever. It will never happen, but trying is still doing more than nothing.

キッス

“Have I ever told you how thankful I am that I met you?”

Yuta looks up from his daughter to you, meeting your eyes with barely any emotion left. “Probably, I can’t remember.”

“Even if I knew all of this was going to happen, I would still do this all over again,” you tell Yuta. You shut your eyes and smile slightly, reminiscing over the years the two of you have known each other. “My life would have been nothing without you.”

“Even with all the heartache I’m going to cause you?”

You’re tired. Yuta knows this because you sleep one hour every night because you’re worried you’ll miss a moment with him. He should be dead now. He shouldn’t be talking to you but every bone in his body is holding on for the lasting moments he can spend with you.

So seeing a single tear drop from your left eye makes his heart and head hurt even more. “I’d take a lifetime worth of pain just to spend a day with you. An hour. Anything.”

“I’ll always be with you, you know that.”

You nod, however it seems fake. It’s as though you’re just nodding because he’s said something and you don’t want to be rude. You want to acknowledge him. Make sure his voice is heard. Even as you reach over and kiss the corner of his lips he can’t feel an energy coming from your body.

It takes him a while to realise that it’s because you don’t have any more energy. You’re rundown. It’s not like you don’t want to show him emotion; you physically _can’t._

And that’s his fault.

キッス

You’re so still.

Yuta takes a deep breath of the air he’s being fed and tries to reach towards you but is stopped by a nurse that’s watching over the three of you. The same one who told him about his daughter being born. He trusts this nurse.

“She’s sleeping,” she tells him, referring to you on the chair with his baby on your chest, sleeping with the rise and fall of your chest. “You shouldn’t wake them.”

Yuta nods, but he still reaches for your hand. You begin to stir in your sleep but don’t wake fully. “I don’t know how much time I’ve got with them both.”

“It’s been eight months now. I’ve seen people live for a long time after they’ve been their expectancy. You may recover with events like these, you shouldn’t lose hope.”

But he’s lost so much of it already, he can’t hold onto that chance that maybe he’ll be able to come out of this alive. So he doesn’t look up to her face and instead strokes your hand to feel your soft, _soft_ skin he craved so much when he first met you. That he still craves now.

“Tell me how many people you’ve seen recover from this,” Yuta says to the nurse. He hears no immediate reply and decides to bring your hand to his pale lips that barely hold any life. “I’m a dead man, and I can’t even walk. The longer I’m here the more she relies on me to be okay at the end of all of this.”

The nurse still stands there but doesn’t say anything. She must have seen a lot of people die. She knows what to do in this situation but still has nothing to say to Yuta.

Yuta’s grieving himself. He wouldn’t care if he died and he had nothing to leave behind but when he dies now, he’ll be hurting you too.

キッス

“Don’t cry.”

His choked words are full of anguish.

Yuta is angry at everyone, mostly himself for having a body not fit for this world. At you for not cherishing the moments you two had together. But mostly at the doctors.

They’d told him seven months and he’d lasted for nine. He’d told them he’d be strong but they didn’t listen and now he was here, tube in his nose and skin pale as snow. There was barely any blood in his body. He barely was human any more.

And though his vision is blurry, he can see your face and the way your tears stream down uncontrollably. You’re sobbing like he did when he realised this was his end. It’s just hitting you that his last breath was moments away.

“Yuta,” you cry, voice barely louder than the beeping in the background. “You can’t leave me, Yuta. You can’t. I need you. We both need you, please Yuta.”

He can’t see his child anywhere, he wants to hold her but he knows that’s impossible in his state and he can’t cause anymore pain. So he holds your hand a little tighter, breath barely holding him up. “I love you.”

“Don’t say that to me Yuta,” you tell him. It’s angry; you’re just as mad as he is. You have been since he found out and he knew why. “You’ve held on for two more months. Please. Just a little more.”

“I’ll always be with you.”

“Don’t say it Yuta!”

“Please just tell me you love me.”

He can’t do anything else. He can’t try and fight anymore. The little attention he’s paid to the nurses and doctors around him who know his last legs are being used up, they can’t help him anymore. This is for the best. His grip on your hand is suffocating but he’s scared.

He needs your help.

“Please.”

“I love you, Yuta,” you tell him. It’s sweet. Like the first time you told him. He’s reached heaven just as you say those words because it’s all he needed. You’ll always be there for him, too. You and Yuta are together forever. Soulmates. There wasn’t a separate you and him. “I’ll always love you, Yuta. Always. Soulmates, remember?”

All he can do is nod. His short life, the short amount of time spent with you is not enough for him. He’s thankful, he’s so ever grateful that this whole time he was able to be with you and see you smile and kiss you and do all those things you loved so much.

He still doesn’t want to say goodbye.

His goodbye just comes in the form of a kiss, which is no way to stay anymore.

 


End file.
